UNREQUITED LOVE

I’ve found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare once said “Journeys end in lovers meeting, every wise man’s son doth know.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said “love is blind” from his play The Merchant of Venice. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night or a brief moment. And then, there’s another kind of love: the cruelest kind, the one that almost kills its victims. It’s called unrequited love. Of that kind of love I am an expert.

I am a victim of the one sided affair. I am the cursed of the loved ones. I am the unloved one, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! I have willingly loved that man for over six miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas’, the worst Birthday’s, New Years Eve’s brought in by tears. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I’ve been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh God, just the thought of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can’t swallow! All the usual symptoms, can you imagine that?

I have been waiting for him to come back to me and love me again assuming that he did love me. I have known him when I was young. I thought that I had the best time of my life with him merely because I opened myself to the possibility of a long term relationship for the first time. I allowed myself to dream that we’ll be living and building a family together. Well, he left without saying goodbye and we lost communication. It was a short-lived romance after all but it consumed almost of my adult years. I have been into serious relationships after him but my heart longs for someone from the past. I can never give myself fully to any one because he still has my heart. Then one day he found me through a social networking. He’s been in my network of friends but he never shows interest on me. I felt that he is just near but yet so far away. At last! He decided to write me. I was happy that he took notice of me. I can’t help myself and ask him why he left so suddenly. I was expecting that he would redeem himself by giving me an explanation which however worst or whimsical it may be I will most probably believe anyhow but nothing prepared me to receive a response so rudely delivered. No explanation was made. He just gave me a dismissive statement. My heart shrunk into disbelief of how rude he has become. I realized I don’t know him at all. He is someone I just can’t - someone who self-evidently can’t be mine. I’ve opened Pandora’s box, and there was trouble inside. I was shaken. I cried for a while because I was hurt. I see the dream I built dismounts and crumbles from the pedestal I put it in.

In the nutshell, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible and how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or diets you try, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of liquor you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. Sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door because you’re hoping you’re wrong. And every time he does something that tells you he’s no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and surprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he’s not for you. After all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. You’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. Little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. It gives you a sense of confidence, that despite being at the end of a rapidly fraying rope for as long as you can imagine, there is a sunshine at the end of the tunnel and that, there is no misery (no matter how miserable it may make you feel at that particular moment) that lasts forever! The demons that are caught up inside your head… the ones that are lurking in the corner, no matter how many people you are with, or how much fun you are “supposedly” having… just fade away!

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